Last week saw Red Star in a convincing 3-1 win over High Elf rivals, Haughty & Naughty in preparation for the FUC Cup tie against Rob West's Dwarf team, Pynk Panthers.

With aal the special inducement rules for FUC Cup games, Rob ended up with Flint Churnblade, Boomer Eziasson and 3 cards. I got 2 cards. My 12 Elves would be up against 14 Dwarves (okay, with his Death Roller Rob had 3 secret weapons), but Pynk Panthers had achieved the mighty record of 1 draw and 2 defeats in his three league games so far. If he could beat me up early he'd have a decent chance but Red star's 12th man (the fans) had a key part to play in the match...

I chose to kick off.and Flint got to work on my commandante (team captain), Fidel Castro, with the chainsaw. I needed the apothecary for this encounter... The kck was good and trapped the little feckers on the right hand flank. He got the ball but a one dice blitz by Marwoun Barghouti wrestled the runner down and spilled the ball into the crowd.

The drunken yobbos that follow the Panthers were no match for the silky grace of the Red Star fans who booted the football deep, deep into the Panthers endzone. The chase was on as 2 catchers and a blitzer blocked of any route for the Panthers team.

Red Star Bassaleg in thriller in Bellend Conference opener

My Pro Elves vs Alun's Norse. Alun's a great player, very experienced with Woodies and Norse, although I have the edge over him having won 3 of our last 4 meetings, including a 4-0 and 5-0.

It's 2-1 to Red Star, turn 7 of the second half. I have just had my 7th go and now it's his. What follows is Rimmer-esque in style but it is the biggest crazy bullsh1t move I have seen in a long time, if not ever.

So, he blitzes and knocks down my catcher who is about to score. His thrower performs the following sequence:

a/ go for it
b/ pick up the ball (no sure hands)
c/ declare long bomb - because of the sun, the pass will succeed on a 6 but a score of 1-4 is a fumble
d/ my lineman fails to intercept (5+)
e/ after a reroll, he gets a 5+ for the pass; inaccurate
f/ the ball scatters...it scatters....it lands on his feckin' runner
g/ needing a 4+ to catch, he rolls it

He'd intercepted with a werewolf early in the first half and scored against the run of play, injuring a player on the way for 7SPP's in one go. Final score 2-2. Jammy git.

W.A.N.C. Conference Draws

Our first WANC regular season match will be against Thor's Mighty Bellend on Thursday, Oct 10th. Top 2 are guaranteed a play-off spot, so it's going to be tough!|

Bellend Conference
South Pontyridd ANC - Dark Elf
Haughty and Naughty - High Elf
Thor's Mighty Bellend - Norse
Red Star Bassaleg - Elf

This is the Group of Death (esp. for Haughty & Naughty) as three coaches have won 5 of the last 6 WANC's (plus 2 runners-up) and 13 conference championships! Can Chris Tempest get anything out of this sh*t storm he finds himself in?

Ass Whoopers Conference
Brecon Hammerers - Dwarf
Pulp Fikshun - Orc
Howling Owls - Human
Ratspike Rovers - Skaven
Reptile Dysfunction - Lizardmen

Brecon Hammerers are the current Ass Whoopers champions and the Howling Owls coach was WANC runner-up last season and won the Ass Whoopers two seasons ago. Pulp Fikshun's coach won the Yam Tarts conference in 2011. These three think that they'll be fighting for the top places but don't discount Ratspike Rovers who raised a few eyebrows with their 4-1 battering of H&N in the FUC Cup.

Workers' Solidarity Conference
Crowley's Pub Team - Human
The Woodpeckers - Wood Elf
Da Mek Boyz - Orc
Pynk Panthers - Dwarf

The Woodpeckers' coach boasts a WANC runner-up and an Ass Whoopers title and Mek Boyz coach has a Bellend title on his mantlepiece.

F.U.C. Preliminary Round

Ratspike Rovers 4 (2) Haughty and Naughty 1 (1)
Casualties 2-0Most impressive performance of the night was Ratspike's demolition of H&N. "Lightning" Steve is the rat to watch (an AG5 Gutter Runner!).

Thor's Mighty Bellend 0 Crowley's Pub Team 2 (1)Casualties 2-3The biggest upset saw former two-time Bellend Conference champions TMB humbled by Crowley's Pub Team.

South Pontyridd ANC 2 (1) The Mek Boys 1 (0)Casualties 0-3
Pyrrhic victory of the night belongs to SPANC who held on for the win but have 3 players out for the next match and will have to replace them with journeymen.

Howling Owls 2 (1) Red Star Bassaleg 3 (1) After Extra Time
Casualties 2-1
Most exciting match of the day saw Red Star Bassaleg quick off the mark pressuring the Owls' on the kick off. The Humans were clearly nervous and formed a decent defensive line to cover butter-fingered thrower, Gunter. With the stadium buzzing, Gunter mishandled the ball allowing Red Star to steal the ball and Che Guevara's quick pass to Marwan Barghouti. On scoring, the crowd went nuts and there was more violence in the stands than on the pitch. A deep kick for the next drive forced the Owls back again, but some daring play by Omslag allowed Chutty to batter his way through to equalise. The second half saw Red Star pin the Owls well into their own half, fearful of the Elves' quick and agile play, not to mention a very exciteable Red Star crown in the other half! Passing the ball ably, Red Star worked the ball to Barghouti once again for the second TD. This was late in the game and the Owls had one shot with no room for errors. A sneaky, swift attack down the right with a fat dollop of jam allowed Seth to scramble a last minute, desperate leveller.

It was the crowd that was the key in extra time. At the kick off, the Red Star fans battered the Owls (6 stunned!) as the ball landed on the scrimmage line. Only one Owl was in range of the ball and, after he fluffed it, Fidel Castro rounded off a superb performance by winning the match! Great game and very open. Red Star had three players advance a level and hired a medical team.

It's W.A.N.C. time! Blood Bowl season returns!

It's the start of the 2013 Welsh Amateur Nuffle Championship (WANC) and I am pleased to announce that I have agreed a one-season contract to coach Red Star Bassaleg, a Pro Elf team in their first crack at the WANC.

We'll have some squad news and build up to the season opener, plus a report from the Firestorm United Conference Cup (FUC Cup) preliminary round in which we will be up against experienced Human team, the Howling Owls.

And here's the squad...

RED STAR BASSALEG

With 1.1m to spend we went for a thrower, both blitzers, 3 catchers and 5 linemen. The miniatures are from Black Scorpion: http://www.blackscorpionminiatures.com/product_info.php?products_id=285&osCsid=50p2nqgkf40escrpfcgabtvam3

I didn't paint gems - far too bourgeois for this team - and wanted the colours to be dull rather than bright, as you might normally see with Elf teams.

New Blood Bowl season round the corner

With a new Welsh Amateur Nuffle Championship and Firestorm United Conference Cup season around the corner, I have been desperately searching for a Pro Elf team of models to use. It looks as though I'll settle for Dark Elves, however, so I made up a team of the GW plastic DE Warriors and Corsairs.

These are the blitzers, one witch elf (2nd from left) and a runner (far right). The blitzers are just corsairs with the weapons removed (one has had a pointing finger sculpted on), the witch elf is just as is, and the runner is made up of corsair legs and arms, DE warrior torso and wood elf head.

And here are the line-elves. All of them consists of corsair legs and arms with DE warrior torsos and heads.

Dreadball team...

No name for them yet, just a sample colour scheme. The plan is to paint the team uber quickly; they're fine miniatures, but I don't want to spend lots of time on them which I think is necessary to make the figures look really good. Black half has a bit of blue/white mixed with black for highlighting, followed by a gloss varnish. Red half is GW Mechrite Red base built up with Coat d'Arms Ruby Red then then washed with Tamiya Clear Red (which is lovely, incidentally, for gore). The clear plastic hexes look a bit poo with a painted figure in them, so I cut off the base, flipped the hex over, and fixed the figure in place with two small pins from the feet.

Spartak Newport robbed in W.A.N.C. Semi-final

Much jamminess from South Ponty ANC as they stole the game with a 2-1 win. The Dark Elves went on to beat Chewie's RAP 3-1 in the final. No match report, except to sat that we'd won it in turn 15 and then lost it in turn 16 with some outrageous elfiness.

Spartak Newport outstanding in F.U.C. Cup final victory.

A semi-final victory by 2-0 against Liquid Green Stuff (and 7-0 in casualties) pitted Spartak Newport against Bellend Conference champions, South Pontypridd Amateur Nuffle Club. With 7 wins out of 7, the Dark Elves were the top rated team this season so far (inc. 22 TD's in those 7 matches) but were missing star players Pussy Showers and Milky Noakes.

Kicking off, Spartak maintained a disciplined, deep defence and allowed SPANC full run of two thirds of the pitch. Terror Bull Tim, now tentacled, tied up a couple of linelves as the Witch Elf Filmy Jizztrap blitzed star Beastman Khorne the Sheep into the crowd in a bold turn 1 move. Unable to forge a way through a tight backline, the game became very tactical with one side probing and the other clenching in the back end to block an easy route through. In turn 5, SPANC thrower Dildo Shaggins was almost sacked by Harold Sheepman, dodged him, but then fumbled a pass in his own half.

Creepy Kevin recovered the ball for Spartak only to get a bashing from Fishy Flaps. Vaginia Wide was only able to retain the ball for a moment for SPANC before getting the horns from Spartak's Gor Blimey. Creepy Kevin recovered to scoop up the football and run in the opening TD.

Turn 7 and SPANC played a card that allowed a free turn for each side, although after each player activation a 2+ had to be rolled to activate the next player. Grr, that gave SPANC enough time to equalise and they went for it, but only a single player was activated. Mangrowth Parks, with Block, Dodge and MA 8, got down one side and pushed back Billy Bellend. In striking distance of the end zone (only 6 squares away), Billy Bellend gored the slack Dark Elf bitch and stunned her. Half time, 1-0 up, two Dark Elves injured.

A great kick from SPANC put the ball on the sideline just a square away from the halfway line. Despite comedy attempts to pick up the ball from Spartak, the Dark Elves were unable to capitalise and Creepy Kevin got hold of it. Then the relentless roll forward began, with Beastmen covering approaches to the ball  carrier and SPANC daring frantic attempts to get at the ball. A desparate blitz by Mangrowth Parks saw a chance to get the ball but he got skulls (how we laughed). 2-0 and the opposition down to 8 players with just 4 turns left.

A good kick by Spartak and the impenetrable defensive formation that worked so well in the first half stifled the Dark Elves again as Ikkl Pickle and Harold Sheepman took out two more Dark Elves. Skipper Vercengoaterix took out ball-carrier Creamy Muff but a fumbled catch by Jonny Spunkmonk restricted Spartak to a 2-0 win.

The Firestorm United Conference cup in the bag, Spartak's next match is in the semi-final of the Welsh Amateur Nuffle Championship Semi-Final against the same team, SPANC. With two of their stars returning from injury, and only Jane Fonda-Cox out with a gnawed leg, the Dark Elf team should have a better chance this time around. The winner will play Chewie's Raging Ass Pirates (Norse) who beat Thin Lizzies 2-1 in the other semi-final.

Firestorm United Conference Cup Report

Wood For You hosted Spartak Newport in the quarter-final of the FUC Cup on 1st November. With a team difference of 280k, the woodies were hot favourites and started the match on fire! A good kick into centre field and a blitz saw a stunned Spartak side starting the game with a plague of wood elves around the ball's landing place within a single move of their own end zone!

Dispossessing woody catcher Voronwe with a bit of help with the chainsaw, the ball landed favourably for the home side. Outblocking the Beastmen, the wood elves smuggled it to Aegnor who lobbed it over to Beleg to open the scoring by turn 3.

And then it was all repeated again! A second blitz followed some very dubious tampering with the sprinkler system (-1 to pass, catch and pick up) and the cheatin' woodies once again swarmed the ball's landing area. A more favourable drop left 3 wood elves between 3 beastmen and the ball. A rogue wizard launched a fireball to even the odds and Spartak thrower Duke of Puke managed a pass to midfield which was fumbled. Half time came but in a piece of uplifting news, Vercingoaterix blitzed Wood For You's star Wardancer into the away fans who promptly broke him! Three other woody injuries thinned their ranks.

Second half, woodies possession and the half-time Spartak team talk yielded violent dividends. With 10 against 9, the Beasties pummelled the flopsy Wood Elves who cautiously caged up and sent out a couple of runners who were promptly beaten to a pulp. Numbers told and Norman the Ninja brilliantly passed to Creepy Kevin to score.

10 faced 6 in extra-time and it was no contest. Two more woodies were busted up but even with 4 players, the reigning WANC champions were a threat. But Norman the Ninja, inspired by this game, combined with Harold Sheepman to hold off attempts to sack the ball carriers and the Spartak number 9 ran in the winner!

2-1 in extra time, 9-2 in casualties, and Spartak face Liquid Green Stuff in the FUC Cup semis. In the WANC play-offs, Spartak have drawn Ass Whoopers Conference runners-up, the dangerous Troll County Council.

Captain of Spartak Newport, Vercingoaterix, accounted for three of the dodgy woodies during the game, two of them into the crowd.

2-0 down after 2 turns of the second half, Spartak mount a brilliant comeback to draw with the Cardiff Regional Allstars Project. This crowns them champions of the Yam Tarts Conference and ensures a decent draw for the Welsh Amateur Nuffle Championship playoffs. In the Firestorm United Cup, Spartak draw the reigning W.A.N.C. champions, Wood For You.

Left-Right: 9/ Norman the Ninja  10/ Khorne the Sheep  11/ Gor Blimey  12/ Jonny Spunkmonk

And Spartak Newport qualify for the W.A.N.C. (Welsh Amateur Nuffle Championship) play-offs with a 2-0 thrashing of Thin Lizzies. Duke of Puke and Khorne the Sheep score the TD's and Vercingoaterix and Harold Sheepman cause the damage, the latter taking out Lizzies' Krox in the first play of the game.

Left-Right: 5/ Eric the Half a Sheep  6/ Duke of Puke  7/ Billy Bellend  8/ Harold Sheepman

Two games since the last report. In the FUC (Firestorm United Conference) Cup, Spartak beat Quorn Eaters of Khorne 2-1 with TD's from Khorne the Sheep and Creepy Kevin.

Left-Right: 1/ Vercingoaterix  2/ Ikkl Pickle  3/ Creepy Kevin  4/ Terror Bull Tim

Blood Bowl Season Starts!

Spartak Newport kicked of their assault on the Welsh Amateur Nuffle Championship with a dominant 3-0 victory over former champions, Tomb Giants.

Tomb Giants blamed their hopelessly static defence on a heavy defeat at Spartak Newport. Vercingoaterix rounded off an easy win following TD's from Creepy Kevin and the opener from Khorne the Sheep. One nil up at half-time, Spartak employed an offensive formation to defend their lead. The Giants' lines were easily penetrated after their forward line was pinned in place and the superior speed and skill of the Spartak team reduced the Tomb Kings to no chances to score whatsoever. Spartak lineman Harold Sheepman praised his team's disciplined and aggressive defensive line-up and perfect kicking performance.

Dave's tomb guardians were hopeless, often using a reroll each turn. Next match is against veteran W.A.N.C. vegetarians, Quorn Eaters of Khorne in the 1st round of the Firestorm United Conferences Cup.

Some completed Spartak Newport players. Once they are based they'll get names!

A preview of the new Blood Bowl team, Spartak Newport, in progress for the new Welsh Amateur Nuffle Cup season in September.  The team will consist of 11 Beastmen and one big Beastman and is being painted  a few players at a time in between other projects.